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I really don’t know how to say this any other way. My dog decided to talk to me the other night and he had a lot to say. It initially played like any other night really. Once again, I was tossing and turning, in and out of sleep. I was half awake, mulling over my job situation: I want to make money writing but I need an income more. Then the most bizarre thing happened. “Hey human Bob! This is your best friend speaking! Wake up!” Who the hell was that? It was a deep, low voice; strong and certain with a hint of a bourbon induced slur. Sounded like Dean Martin actually. I immediately sat up. It was pitch black. The radio clock blurred 3:53 in a dull crimson light. All I could make out was the shadowy outline of Parker, my trusty beagle, sitting upright at my feet. “Hey boy, did you hear that?” I whispered instinctively. “Someone’s in the house.” My vision was starting to warm up to the darkness. Parker just stared back at me, his head tilted, his long ears hanging to the side of his head like hand towels on a wall. He turned his head to the bedroom doorway, lifted his nose to the night and sniffed. He turned back to face me. “Don’t think so.” I swore Parker spoke but it couldn’t be. I mean his hound drawn lips seemed to move to the words I heard but that was impossible. “Who’s there?” I yelled into the night. “Whoever it is, I am warning you that I am at this moment retrieving my loaded double-barrel twelve gauge from under the bed. I will shoot you. So leave now and I want to hear the door slam behind you.” I made some dumb noises in a lame attempt to fool the intruder into believing what I had just proclaimed. I took the ruse to the next level. “Okay. I’m fully armed and about to call 911 from my fully powered cell phone. Oh yeah, strong signal, four bars. Oh yeah, this is going to be a very clear 911 call.” “You’re breaking me up. Put the phone down human Bob.” It was Parker talking. I was certain of it. Nah, it had to be a sick trick. “Okay, good one Steve. You wired up the dog with a little speaker. Very funny.” My brother Steve was known to go to great lengths to pull off pranks. But I was pretty sure he was at his apartment in the city, sixty miles away, God knows doing what, and at 48 years old, unlikely to suddenly bother me with a prank—it had been 25 years since his last one. But the mind scrambles to the most implausible scenarios when so duly challenged. “Don’t think so. Nope it’s me, Parker,” the dog mumbled. I was positive he spoke again. By now I was sitting straight up, leaning towards him. He just sat there and looked at me with those big dark eyes. His poker face was on. “Parker? Are you talking to me?” “Well I’m not talking to myself.” I leaned back against the headboard. He yawned. “This can’t be. I’ve got to stop watching Animal Planet.” “Listen, I’ve got something to say and I’m not sure how long this talking stuff is going to work so …” “You are talking!” I interrupted incredulously. “Should you want I bow wow?” “Holy cow! Parker you are talking.” “Yup. But I’m not sure for how long. So can I say a few things before …” “I can’t believe this.” “Yeah I know. Either can I but if you don’t mind.” I looked at him with a giant smile plastered across my face. Parker can talk. The dog was talking. Who was I kidding? It had to be a prank. He continued. “I’ve been listening to a lot of that talk radio and that C-SPAN channel you watch while you write. I’m here to tell ya I don’t like what I’m hearing.” “You’re kidding me right?” “Afraid not.” Oh this was good. I was really hallucinating. Talk-shmalk, I had a few nagging questions of my own. “Hey, can I ask you something before you get to your stuff?” “Make it quick. I haven’t got all night.” “You like smell things a hundred times more than we do, right?” “Four hundred.” “Okay, four hundred. Wow! Then I really wonder about this.” “Yeah I know. Why do we like to sniff every morsel of excrement or yellow patch of urine we encounter on our walks?” “Now that you bring it up, yeah, why? It must smell like the inside of Dick Cheney’s or Ted Kennedy’s septic tank? And you know how much crap they’re filled with.” “That was a funny one human Bob. But it isn’t like what you smell. We pick up a lot more notes. It’s a broader pallet if you will. We don’t smell stink. We smell identity, mood, and illness. For instance, you know that crazy cairn terrier down the street?” “Yeah.” “She has stomach cancer and her humans don’t have a clue.” “You are kidding me?” “She probably has less than six months if they don’t get her to a vet soon.” He paused to lick his right front paw. “Yeah, and another thing. Don’t take me out at nights for awhile.” “Why?” “Cause there is a rabid possum living under the porch. That’s why.” “You know this from the smell of possum poop?” “Excrement.” “Whatever.” “Yup.” Parker yawned as if bored. “So is that it? Can I say what I need to say?” “Well there is that thing you do with that licking your, you know, your …” “Penis?” “Well, yeah.” “Jealous are we?” “Well, it’s just that …” “It’s all about keeping clean. Nothing pleasurable if that’s what you’re driving at. Nothing like what you do with your hand. By the way, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t pet me afterwards. Nope, no pleasure; it’s all business. You made sure of that when you had me “fixed”, remember. Thank you very much.” “Oh yeah, sorry about that. I had no idea you knew any different.” “No idea my butt. I’ll ‘no idea’ ya.” He paused again to lick his right paw again and then continued. “But I don’t hold it against you. We don’t hold grudges. Heck, if we did, we would have mauled most humans dead by now. Which brings me to why I am talking to you.” “No grudges. Really? I mean that “fixing” stuff is pretty serious. That’s pretty good if that doesn’t bother you.” “You done? Can I get to my concern?” “Sure. Sorry. Go ahead.” “How can humans be so smart supposedly, while they single handedly are destroying the Earth?” “You mean global warming?” “It’s more than that. It’s the air. It’s the water. It’s the dirt. It’s the forests. It’s the killing. It’s the anger. It’s the hate. It’s the grudges. It’s the fear. It’s everything.” “Oh come on. You’re being a little dramatic.” “We don’t know dramatic.” “Well give me examples of what you mean.” “First of all, the air is filled with danger. Dogs, cats, birds, animals of all kinds can smell it. It is our biggest topic when we get together.” “I don’t smell a thing.” “Yeah, that’s part of the problem. And you can’t taste the troubled water either.” “Scientists don’t seem to be complaining. So I should be listening to a dog?” “We have no agenda. Dogs call it as they smell it.” “ ‘call it as they smell it’; I’m suppose to just accept that?” “Yeah, there is a lot you should just accept.” “Oh yeah, like what else?” “Well, and here is what I think is the crux of the problem, you keep choosing the wrong alpha humans.” “What?” “You’ve got this alpha thing all wrong. Just because animals order their packs based on physical size and strength doesn’t make it so for humans. We do it because we are simple. You do it because you are thoughtless. That’s what we, and I think it is fair to say I am speaking for all animals, don’t get. Humans are able to think things through. But they never do. Well, that’s not completely true; some have but they are mocked or marginalized. An alpha dog barks and gets all puffy, like that wacky shepherd Sarge from around the block. The worst he can do is break out of his electronic fence and charge one of us. But you humans take it up a notch.” “Can you give me a for instance?” “God there are so many. Let me see. Okay, you’ve elected a president who pounds his chest and walks around like a gorilla with its arms all out to the side, all tough and all, carrying on with ‘bring it on’. When he jumps the fence, he brings tanks and bombs and humans loaded down in weapons and in body armor. Meanwhile, you have alpha males all over the place, flexing their muscle in their packs, threatening to obtain nuclear weapons, the great equalizer, giving the president one excuse after another to hop the fence. It’s nuts. And I for one am telling you, you’ve got it all wrong.” “Well, I don’t know what to say.” “You don’t need to say anything. Just start picking the right alpha humans; humans whose visions see beyond fighting, whose hearts hold no grudges, whose thoughts and reasons are not the products of testosterone, whose collective knowledge is rooted in the concept that true peace is never the consequence of war but the outcome of constant learning, negotiating and adjusting.” “This is what you want to tell me? Nothin’ for nothin’ but it’s a little heavy for a little chat with a dog at 3:30 in the morning.” “In a nut shell, yeah.” It was hard to accept this from my beagle. I mean, he’s a dog; a sleeping, eating, sniffing, crapping dog. I was chalking this whole episode up to stress. I was apparently snapping. “That’s it. I’m pretty much done. Just one last thing while I have the chance.” “What? World hunger? String theory?” I asked sarcastically. “You get the right alpha humans and the world hunger thing will take care of itself, smart ass. As far as string theory, who do you think I am, Hawking? I’m just a dog. No it’s more pedestrian than that, something I think you can manage.” “Then what, already?” I asked impatiently. “You know that thing you do occasionally where you empty the dish washer in the buff.” “Ummm … yeah I guess.” “Put some clothes on. It’s disturbing. I’m beggin’ ya, please!” “All right, but only if you lick your privates in private.” “I’ll see what I can do. No promises.” “So this is it? No more talking? You know we could make a fortune on Letterman with his stupid pet tricks.” “It’ll never happen. You see, this is a one time deal. Not sure why or how this is happening. Maybe that God guy is involved somehow. All I know is that when it is done, it is …” He abruptly stopped talking. “Parker?” Not a grunt. He yawned and as he did he stretched his front legs out and spread across the foot of the bed, his ears resting flat on the blanket. “Parker … are you done? Is that it?” He slowly closed his eyes and floated off to sleep. “Parker … just like that?” He began to twitch; in hot pursuit of a fox I imagined. “Holy smokes. I must be dreaming myself.” I curled back down under the safety of my covers, scratched my butt and thought about the conversation I had just had with Parker or myself or both. I sniffed the air. It smelled fine to me. What the heck was he talking about, ‘danger in the air’? It had to be a dream. As I drifted off to sleep, I thought about getting a real job real soon, apparently this writing stuff was getting the best of me. I also made a point to remember to talk to the owners of that crazy cairn terrier. I thought it was the least I could do. 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Top Questions of our Time Series: Sex Slam bam thank you Ma’am or Mr.? That’s some people’s method and it works for those who mutually agree they want a quick fix. But for most people this is not the method of choice. So, why is it that this is so prevalent? The reason for this could be that American culture is simply not accepting of sexuality in general and that is why sexuality leaks into what many consider to be ‘shadow’ areas, such as pornography, strip clubs, and prostitution. Carl Jung, one of the founding fathers of psychology, would definitely label sexuality as the shadow side of our culture. For most people who watch or visit these areas, it’s not something they discuss with their acquaintances or even their family and friends. In fact, the actual act of having sex with a person is not discussed too openly in our culture. Alfred Kinsey was one of the first and most famous people to openly discuss this cultural issue in public. Sure, sex is flashed in our faces on TV shows, movies, and advertisements, but few people actually openly discuss the act of having sex with another person. For whatever reason that is, this is an article that is going to discuss one of the top questions of our time: What is a great way to have sex, even for those who are inhibited. I am going to explain a term, I am certain I am not the first to use it, or explain concepts like it, however, I have not seen the term before. That term is Mindful Sex. Mindful sex involves slightly slowing down in every aspect of the act of sex, from creating the setting, to the foreplay, to the actual act of sex, whatever you consider that to be. The following is the gist of it: Setting: This part is not necessary if the act of sex is spontaneous in any given moment. If it is not spontaneous, sometimes it is a good idea to set the setting. When creating the setting, whether you are lighting candles, putting on music, or preparing special lingerie, moving slightly slower than you usually would. As you move slower begin to pay attention to your senses. If you are lighting candles, notice what you are lighting it with, is it a match, a lighter? Notice what the flame looks like, how it moves, does the candle have a smell, if so, take a moment to inhale it. If you are setting up special lingerie, take a moment to feel the lingerie. Is it made of silk? How does the silk feel? Are you spraying perfume/cologne on it? Take an extra moment to inhale that. You get the idea, with anything you are doing, move slightly slower and take a moment to pay attention to what you are seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling, and tasting. You do not need to think about any of this, just notice your sensations. If you notice you are thinking about something, notice that and then simply bring your attention back to what you are sensing. By moving slightly slower you have the opportunity to do this and in return make the process more meaningful and enjoyable. Foreplay and Sex: Some people consider foreplay to be sex, some consider intercourse to be sex. So I am putting them together because these ideas apply to both of them. There are many aspects to foreplay and sex and different people will have different variations on what they like. The tragedy of it all is that most people, having not felt free to discuss sex in public and they have only relied on what the media has influenced them to think about how sex should be. While they’ve had sex, they have never freely explored it on their own. Some people like to start out with oils and massage, some people like to start out with kissing all over the body, while others are into more fetish areas such as acting out a fantasy of being ruled over by a dominant figure of some kind (e.g., dominatrix). As far as fetish goes, this goes as far as our imagination can take us. As you practice Mindful Sex you will give yourself the chance to discover what it is that you really like and you will begin to feel more comfortable communicating that to whomever you are having sex with, even if that person is yourself (i.e., masturbation). Here is the gist: As you begin to practice mindful sex, it is important to remember one thing: Whatever it is that you are doing, do it slightly slower than usual. This does not mean go in slow motion, it means just go slightly slower than you would think to go. As you move slightly slower, you give yourself the opportunity to really be there in that moment and notice things that you may not have noticed. If you are giving a massage, you get to feel how the person’s skin actually feels, is there a scent to the oil? If so, inhale it. If the oil is edible, take an extra moment to lick it and truly taste it in your mouth. Look over your partner and take a moment to take in all the little nuances of the person’s body. By slightly slowing down, you also allow yourself to relax a bit, and this not only helps in making this a richer experience, but also helps reduce anxiety if that is an issue (e.g., being overly sensitive or premature ejaculation). You can apply this in every moment of sex that you find yourself in. For example, when you are giving oral sex, go slightly slower and notice the smell and taste involved, feel the texture of the other person, is it soft/rough? What does the person’s vagina or penis look like? As you go slightly slower you’ll find that it is not so difficult to notice these things and it will draw you deeper into the experience and give you the gift that you have not been privy to experience in the past. Ofcourse, you can apply this to intercourse as well. No matter your gender or sexual orientation, there is often some sort of sexual intercourse involved. It is important to let your partner know that you want to go slightly slower this time in whatever way you feel comfortable communicating that. As the intercourse begins, notice the sensations you are feeling. All parts of you are experiencing sensations from your head to your penis or vagina to your feet. If you find yourself thinking about something, notice that you are thinking about something and gently bring yourself back to your sensations. If you find yourself judging your self or the other person, just notice that you are judging and gently bring yourself back to your sensations. Gifts: Paying attention to your sensations may also broaden your horizons on things you want to do. Maybe you notice that while having intercourse that you are not tasting anything so you decide to taste your partner by kissing or licking him/her. Maybe you want to smell your partner more to bring in that sensation. Maybe you open your ears and begin to hear what the sex you are having sounds like. Maybe you’re now noticing for the first time what other areas of your body are being touched during intercourse besides your penis, vagina, or nipples. You might just discover an erotic area of your body that you had not noticed before (e.g., back of the knees, toes). Having mindful sex is simply a teaching and a suggestion. If a spontaneous act of aggressive sex comes out and it is not a slightly slowed down process, than that is Ok too. This is simply an opportunity to broaden your awareness about yourself during the act of sex and deepening the richness of your experience. Of all things we have to experiment with on this planet, this is surely one of the top. So, responsibly, go off and try this out, have fun, and broaden your horizons! 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It's no surprise that both genders rely on lying to some extent. They just do it differently and sometimes for different reasons. All humans, especially women say they want their partner to be honest. Is this the truth? Can you keep a relationship up and running if you are telling the truth all the time? Imagine that you just have brought your girlfriend at your home, to spend the night together for the first time. You have made a great effort to arrange and clean your home and especially the bedroom. You are proud about this and ask your partner what she believes about your home. She responds "It is a little old fashioned... and something smells bad in here". Ups! Ok. You two pass through this awkward moment, then you start kissing each other, but you make a joke about... the size of your penis, and instead to hear the most used reply: "hey, relax, size really doesn't matter", she tells you that her ex was quite huge. Ups... Not again. :) If she were to say just two little lies everything could be great, but now... The truth is, telling a few lies can be one of the best ways to keep your relationship healthy. So if you want to keep her happy and keep getting laid, you're going to have to learn how to lie - and lie convincingly. The trick is figuring out what she wants to hear. 1. Never mention your sexual past... especially if it was a good one. If your girlfriend asks you what it was like or how good your ex was, you can tell a lie if you have to. Say it wasn't all that good. Don't ever mention her. Even if what you're saying is uncomplimentary, it will still have a negative effect. You bringing her up hints that she's still on your mind. 2. When it comes about how she looks, if you picked her to be your partner, you have to make her feel that she is a WOMAN. Every woman has something beautiful, something sexy and attractive, and if you make her know that you find her attractive she will be more confident, wilder and more passionate. But when she asks you about something you don't really like at her look, never but never tell her your true opinion. Just say that it is OK and pass over the moment. If you are telling her that you don't like something at her, she will feel frustrated and become more inhibited. 3. Everybody knows that women have more sensibility than men. So pay attention to her sensibility and don't make bad jokes about other people (especially her family) or let her know when you are up to take the cat and throw it out through the window. She will find you insensitive and you will lose points. Use your common sense and try not to hurt your woman’s feelings even if you have to say a little lie from time to time. Overall, lying is a bad thing to do. But when it comes to women, you really have no choice. The little white lies don't hurt anyone and are only meant as reassurance every now and then It's therefore okay to tell a person what they want to hear.